The thoughts of a Filipina-American who doesn't know where home is

The thoughts of a filipina-american who doesn’t know where home is

don’t let these raven black locs of hair deceive you

i didn’t come from the motherland

i didn’t come from the island of which my people fought for

i came from the womb of a woman who came to america at the age of 10

who had to see her older brother get deported over a little weed

who had to move out of her parent’s house to live in her older sister’s in law’s house to go to college

which led her to meet a young man who worked in the restaurant connected to the house

which then led to me

but do not let my light pale skin deceive you

i got that filipino island type in my blood

100% pinay and i say that shit with pride

but listen the day i die make sure my flag flies high

while i'm being buried 6 ft down

because i know my roots are deeper than

the graves my colonizers dug for my people

my roots began at the indigenous pinoys who

didn't know of machismo

where the community was strong and matriarchal

where woman ran shit and little girls weren’t told to learn how to cook and clean to find a husband

then one day in 1521

a bastard named ferdinand magellan

stripped my people of my history

stripped them of their beliefs

stripped me of my power

this is why i wear my 4 colors with pride

but i put that red, white, and blue to the side because i was not meant to be here

thinking about back home even though i wasn't born there

thinking of all the memories i had on the land my parents grew up on

breathing the air that my ancestors once breathed

i love my culture

love my roots

but back home isn’t the government my ancestors wanted

and living on the colonizer land doesn’t do any justice

where do i belong

where do i fit

not knowing how to speak fluent tagalog

feels like a betrayal because i know fluent english

i don't want to call the colonizer land home

but i can't call my country my home either because my country is controlled my political bullies

my people are suffering

what do i do

where do i fit

where do i fit